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I Paid My Friends For Nude Photos. Will That Creepy Help to make Me?

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January 3, 2020 by Dr. NerdLove | Leave a Comment

What’s up, doc?

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I’m a regular reader of your column, and while we may not really agree about everything, I value the genuine empathy you have for your audience and thank you for taking my message.

I’m a 26 year old virgin for a number of reasons: a conservative upbringing, delayed interest in the opposite sex, body image issues to name a few. Despite my issues with women, I have strong relationships with my family, several close friends, and a fascinating job on Walls Road where I feel valued by the superiors and colleagues highly.

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While I initially started college far from home and generally had the “traditional college experience” my freshman year, a year after, complications relating to homesickness, an ill (but long since recovered) relative and some financial concerns resulted in me transferring to a state university where We commuted from home and worked about 30 hours a week on top of that. I didn’t get socially involved at my new school, from a couple networking clubs relating to my main/career route aside.

Since graduating college, I’ve dealt with the same increased isolation typical of most people my age. Work keeps me fairly busy (typically 50-60 hours per week in addition to my commute back home) and my friends have largely scattered across the country and around the world. I’m by no means unique in this regard.

About two years ago, I met a young woman (let’s call her Peach) through a video game discussion forum and we initially formed a casual virtual friendship through Twitter and Snapchat. While I get both of them beautiful and wise, I understand they reside on the some other part of the region, hence little or nothing would logically transpire with either. Our chats were platonic at first, about common interests including gaming, politics and music; over time, she virtually introduced me to one of her close IRL friends (let’s call her Zelda) and I started talking to both of them. Not to mention, both are about 4 ages younger than me.

A little over a year ago, On a Friday nighttime when I messaged Zelda randomly I was residence alone later. I realized that expression would have out to Peach faster rather than later on, so I ended up making her the same offer. In our conversation, she complained about the struggle of being a broke college student during the holiday season, when I acquired the nefarious concept that quite possibly I could support her out. I don’capital t consider I has been predicted by her to task her that method, but she was offered by me funds to sext and buy and sell photos with me and she agreed.

Since then, in addition to our regular conversations, I typically sext with both of them (individually) about once a month, and while it’s surely not money I can’t afford to lose, I’ve invested countless hundred us dollars along this over the past season.

I’m not under any delusions that anything would come out of this other than me blowing off steam. They’ve been recently up forward with me that they’re also in this mainly for the personal bonus. They’ve told me there would be no hard feelings if I was to stop, although I would probably begin to break contact with them in order to move forward. Both of them ask me for advice about guys, and I know that they’re both actively dating and hooking up (albeit with some social awkwardness) at their respective colleges.

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I know within my heart that I need to stop this, that it goes against the values I wish to have, and I feel guilty as hell for starting even. I sense exploitative and entitled; moreover, I’e worried that if I should actually discover myself grow to be an A-list brand for any purpose, with my existing keep track of report also, I’m on the fast track to being #MeTooed. Further, since we all know one another’s true names and whatever details we share via Twitter, it’s possible that either of them (if they were so inclined) could hold this over my head.

At the same time, I attribute my inexperience as a contributing factor to this. Although I don’t generally feel lonely in my regular life - I keep myself busy with work, friends, the gym, movies, volunteering and the like - I couldn’t shake the late night romantic loneliness and horniness, so I kept going back to the well in order to somewhat try and fill the void. While I know I shouldn’t think this way and that it’s antiquated, like most adult virgins, I realize I subconsciously feel like less of a man until I prove that I can attract a woman.

It’s recently dawned on me that Peach and Zelda probably think I’m pathetic or laugh at me behind my back, 90 year old nude and I’m quickly finding myself able to divorce the fantasies from the reality of my situation. I would somewhat not necessarily generate any gal terrified in my existence moving ahead. More importantly, I’t reluctant that they just arranged to perform this because they have been produced by me anxious, uncomfortable, etc and in some manner slide them out.

This finally brings me to my question: assuming I’m able to break this habit and not relapse or try it again with another woman, how perform I onward step? If I confess this to someone I date in the future, I assume she’d take off running, that I’d be branded a pathetic creep, or worse yet, predatory. Can I really just move on with my life and pretend this never happened with women I meet in the future? I’e frightened to possibly carry this up with pals or mother and father, let alone an individual I know less intimately.

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When I brought this up with Peach and Zelda, they suggested We forgive myself and just learn from it which doesn’t help me much from a tangible standpoint. I’ve considered volunteering with a women’s shelter or the like in the future, but I feel people would assume I’e for the wrong causes there.

I realize We’m rambling here, but my ultimate question is how do I repent? If so, how prolonged should I hang on? Conduct I deserve another chance at relationship still?

Thanks for all you do,
New Decade, New Me

So there’s a lot to unpack here, NDME, but I think we can start with this simple truth: you are really blowing shit out of proportion here. You’re letting your weird feelings over this twist everything up into really bizarre places and you’re ultimately putting together 1 + 1 and getting “fish”.

Here’s what happens if we strip out your feelings of guilt and shame: you asked two friends - friends who were having financial issues during the holiday season - if they were interested in a specific form of sex work. They decided that they were ok with this and since then you’ve been giving them money in exchange for their services.

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That’s it.

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This isn’t nearly as big of a deal as you’re making, my dude. Everyone’t distinct on what this implies - you’re also having naughty text messaging and pics, they’re getting money - everyone’s cool with the arrangement and they’re totally fine with things if you want to stop. You didn’t coerce anyone into doing something they didn’t want to do, you’re not exploiting anyone (at least, any more than capitalism exploits everyone) and you’re still on good terms with everyone involved. Points might’ve possibly become cumbersome if Peach and Zelda weren’p fine with the fundamental concept, but hey, you got lucky on that score.

I mean, speaking fundamentally, this isn’t really different from signing onto a cosplayer’s Patreon because they do lewds and nudes or paying to be part of a porn star’s private Snapchats. but for a lot of them, it took an individual else taking upwards the thought initial. Some folks did it for the money, some did it for the thrills, some performes it because it’s a way they express their sexuality… The only real difference here is that you’re the one who suggested it to them first. I’ve known plenty of folks who’ve decided to go into various forms of sex-work - camming, stripping, lewd cosplay - for a multitude of reasons. Which, again: potentially awkward, but not entirely out of bounds depending on the relationship you have with them and the things they’re into and/or ok with.

Seeing as Peach and Zelda cool with the arrangement, are still cool with you and are also giving you the go ahead if you feel like you need to stop, We consider you can permit yourself off the catch. Because, honestly? The issues you’re having have far more to do with how you are viewing yourself than the situation.

I mean, all of this is pretty approaching from a good spot of self-loathing clearly. The idea that Peach and Zelda only did this because you made them feel nervous is honestly kind of absurd on the face of it. Wef they were creeped out by you or felt weird about it, they wouldn’t have gone along with it in the first place and they sure as hell wouldn’t be continuing to keep a fairly normal friendship with you outside of it. They down could’ve shut you, told you to fuck off, blocked you and otherwise made it abundantly clear that they have beenn’t down with this. It’s not like you were holding a gun to their head, frightening to let go the photos they currently delivered or had been the just issue located between them and penury. This has been - and continues to end up - an completely voluntary and by all addresses, completely consensual relationship mutually.

At the same time, you’re convinced that they’re laughing at you behind your back or that they think you’re pathetic. I mean… which is it? Are they laughing at you, or are they creeped out by you and doing this under duress in order to keep you sweet?

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But more to the point: sex workers generally don’t think of their clients as sad or pathetic or laughable. For the most part, it’s the same as any customer/provider relationship, and many folks doing sexwork have legitimate affection for their regulars, not pity and disdain.

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(Well, unless you’re paying for that really, but seeing as you’re not paying for a findom relationship, that’s a different ball of wax entirely).

Frankly, We consider you might perform nicely to follow many sex-workers about Twitter. Getting a better feel for them on the whole, seeing them as people with jobs and how they talk about their clients and customers might help change your perspective on all of this.

On the same tip, you’ve apparently created this idea that they hate you and might blackmail you or decide to just out you because FUCK YOU THAT’S why out of whole cloth. These are not the actions of blackmailers-in-potentia, they’re also the measures of persons who happen to be making you learn that everything’t excellent. They’ve told you that it’s totally fine if you decide you need to stop and they’ve advised you that you should forgive yourself about this. Ignoring the fact that outing you would also out them - and society is FAR harsher on women who are sexual or perform sex work than it will be on the guys involved - they’ve given you no reason to think thwill be would ever cross their minds.

Similarly, you’re really getting the point of the #MeToo movement wrong. #MeToo isn’t about demolishing guys who were a little awkward, asked out someone who wasn’t interested or punishing people who engaged in a consensual relationship involving sex-work. It’s quite literally people speaking up and saying “Not only do I believe this person but this happened to me, too”. Your guilt - remorse that’s apparently unfounded - has blown all of this up to epic proportions when ultimately it’s having all of the impact of a gentle fart in your life and some extra spending cash in theirs. It’s about women drawing attention to how ubiquitous sexual assault and sexual harassment is in our society and how survivors are shamed into silence.

So with all of this in mind, what should you do?

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Well, to start with, We believe you should conclusion the financial side of your partnership with them. I don’t think you need to end your friendship with them, but you do whatever you gotta perform. Not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because, frankly, you’re twisting yourself up in knots over this for no good reason. Closing sexy-Snapchat-for-pay edge of your romance should offer you 1 significantly less issue in order to become flagellating yourself with regard to.

But the next thing I think you need to do is stop isolating yourself so much. That, I consider, will be something you might desire to prioritize, if only to support you look and feel fewer helpless or depressed. You mention you’ve got work, you volunteer, you’ve obtained your friends and so-forth… but it doesn’t sound like you’re actually dating or trying to meet people to date.

It will also help you learn to forgive yourself, which, straight talk, you need to do. Peach and Zelda are right: forgiving yourself (for something that doesn’t really require forgiveness, but anyway) is going to be more important than whatever performative moral carbon off-set you decide to do.

Part of why you’re feeling guilty about all of this is because you feel like you’ve taken the shortcut on sexual connections; you couldn’t “earn” it, so you decided to “cheat” and that makes you pathetic somehow. Sometimes the good reason why someone slept with you is because you were the nearest, least-objectionable warm body. The fact that you hooked up with someone you just met at a bar doesn’t mean that you were “chosen”, that you’d “earned” anything or that you were the best possible choice in a room full of dudes. But like I’ve told multiple older virgins: the fact that someone’s slept with you doesn’t mean you’ve “received” anything. Hell, there’re plenty of times that their deciding to sleep with you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

You didn’t jump the line or cheat the system by engaging with sex workers, or suggesting it to your pals still. You found a way of scratching an itch simply. The problem is that you’ve decided that thwill be means that you’re the lowest of the low for doing so.

But folks who pay sex-workers aren’t all patheti-sad dudes who can’t get laid any other way. You were horny and lonely and wanted both a release and a connection. Some have needs that their partners can’t or won’t need, some possess fantasies they want realized, some want the convenience and the cleanliness of a one-and-done interaction simply. That’s understandable completely. The approach you travelled about it had been incorrect for you, seeing as how worked up it’s made you, but in and of itself it’s not that big of a deal.

So yes, forgive yourself for this, then set off in advance and squash the entire matter down the storage hole. There’s really no reason to continue flagellating yourself over this or to feel like it’s some deep dark secret you’re obligated to disclose. You aided out some close friends economically and received some attractive enjoyment in trade. You didn’t do anything wrong, heinous or exploitative. That’s not a big deal by any stretch of the imagination really.

If you feel the need to atone, then here’s your penance: hie thyself over to the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists’ referral directory and find a counselor in your area. Make an appointment with them and spend some time talking with them about your issues surrounding sex and sexuality and guilt. Because honestly: the only person who you’re hurting is you.

And if you’re gonna leave anything from the previous decade behind: that should be it. Move and sin against yourself little more Right now.

Good luck.

Hi Doc,

Happy New Year. I just have a minor question which I would like to ask you.

I recently made an Wenstagram account just to follow friends. Changes out the account is definitely respectable because it will be connected to Facebook and when I found some photographs, a close buddy of hers is an ex work colleague. Just this morning I realised that another person (whom I don’t know and never met and is a gorgeous fitness model) has clicked to follow my profile.

My question is do you think it’s a good idea to contact her through Instagram and see if it leads to a date?

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Regards
Instagram X

No.

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You’ve never interacted with this person before, you know next to nothing about them except that gorgeous and that you possess a mutual buddy she’s. Trying to slide into her DMs out of the blue isn’t gonna be a good look for you. If you want to actually start being someone she would actually want to talk to - and then maybe see if you two have enough mutual chemistry to get around to possibly going on a date - start by being someone who can actually comment on her profile intelligently without making it about her looks or how much you want to bang her.

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